Monday, July 8, 2013

Search Engine Comedy

  Recently I did a search. I wanted to know what a search engine would be able to find out about a question that has crossed my mind and maybe yours too. So I entered the question in the appropriate box. How did marijuana get called weed? Here is what they sent me.

  Marijuana legalization called for in England and could soon be getting the Royal treatment. Now that is interesting to know but does that answer my quesion? No. The next one sent is this.
  Marijuana that won't get you high is crossbred by Israeli scientists and is sure to bum out stoners. OK. Wow. Couldn't that have been shortened to, "Medical Marijuana a bummer. No high no how." Did that answer my question? No. The third one sent is a little strange.
  Medical Marijuana deliveryman tells the cops that Ninja's stole his weed. Oh my! That is awful. Did that answer my quesion? No. Alright, on to the fourth one.
  Stoner tries to pay for a meal at Denny's with a bag of weed. Really? Were the customers looking to purchase special seasoning? Come on. Did that answer my question? No. By now I'm beginning to think that I have asked a hard question. Well maybe the fifth is the one that I need.
  Yep. This is getting close. Everybody's smoking buddy, Willie Nelson, says that he has not suffered side effects from smoking marijuana. Thanks for your input, Willie. But...Did that answer my question? No again. Maybe there is no real answer.
  Scanning more I see that A man calls 911 twenty times requesting burgers, Kool Aid, and weed, Dogs get sick from eating marijuana, and A teen swipes a tomato plant that he thinks is marijuana. Are any of these close? No not a bit. Apparently, no one knows. Or they are keeping it top secret. If that is the case, maybe I shouldn't search anymore. At least for now, I guess I'll stick to my Bible research. I'm better at that.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Phone Comedy

I did  a small  clip of this on Twitter a few years back.  For your enjoyment here is the expanded version.  ***

  Phone inovation has skyrocketed over recent years.  We have or have had Tracphone, Boost Phone, Alltel, Nextel, NoTel, and Axtel.  Now comes a phone targeted to comedy entertainers.  Here is the straight talk on this phone. 
  It is called Balloon Talk and it loaded with new and popular features.  Not to be out done by other phones it even has the ever popular Latexting.  It supports safe use, as it comes with a warning not to Latext and Drive at the same time. 
  It comes in three sizes: the large Celery phone, the medium Banana phone, the slightly smaller Pickle phone, and the adjustable Bubble to Bubble phone.  For those who use their left hand more often, it comes as a Left Handed Monkey phone.  A new lightweight version is coming out later this year called the Hairband Model with ear to ear reception being promised.
  Other features, besides Latexting, include Anti Spam and Anti Telemarketing with their very own announcer, sarcastic Sadie saying, "Try anyother number except this one because this one is disconneted for you, Phoneheads."  In Sandler language, we can say, " Wickedly awesome feature."  It has an adjustable digital volume control with a "Speak Easy"  function which allows you to yell without garbling out.  It comes with the convenience of Laugh Forwarding.
  There are downloadable applications such as Jewel, Glitter, and Bling Tones.  It comes in various rainbow colors such as the very rad, Radish Red and also, the always popular Cello Brown.
  It is a reliable phone.  It has passed the Applause Meter Standards.  It has been tested by RingaDingaLing Sisters Barnum and Bradley testing facilities and carries the Arf Arf Circus Seals of Approval.
You can purchase phone time in 160, 260, 350, 540, 640, and 660 units and a budget plan that can stretch your minutes.
The price is...affordable for most budgets...and will be adjusted yearly with a Cost of Helium allowance.   ***
  Well folks, that about wraps it up in a twisted sort of way.  This is not a paid for advertisement and if you have received this message in error do not delete but instead pass it on for laughs to other comedians, clowns, balloon twisters, and other children entertainers.  Thank You.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Last week my youngest son said to me, "Dad, I'm running down to the bank to pull some of my money out." Having worked around comedy for awhile, I saw my opportunity. So in return, I said, "Ok son, running is good excercise, but wouldn't you rather drive there in the car?"
My oldest son saw his opportunity also and asked, "Why do you need to pull it out? Is it stuck?" We all laughed at the humor.
That of course brings some interesting scenarios. Here is one. If the money was stuck, how did my son find out about it. Did the bank call? Or here is another. Perhaps he didn't get it all of the way into the bank. Then again, maybe there was something wrong with the money itself. Perhaps it was folded wrong and the bank couldn't get it unfolded for the transaction. Maybe it was crumpled.
However, being a proud father, I would like to think that he learned my stretching techniques and JUST FORGOT to take THE KNOT out of the end of his money and that is why it GOT STUCK.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

There seems to be a lot of exercise going on in the shower. I hear friends and family say, "I am going to HOP in the shower." Sometimes I hear them say, "I am going to JUMP in the shower." I suppose they can get a WORKOUT in the shower and it does seem to be very popular.
Then there are those that GET into the shower. I do that myself. And then there are those that are DRAGGED into a shower. THAT can be a sobering experience. A few are so eager that they even THROW themselves into the shower!
But the one I like most of all are those that "TAKE a shower". Not only do they take a shower, but they ALWAYS BRAG about taking it afterwards. What kind of thief would steal something and then brag about it to the person they took it from?
All I can say is THANKS for being honest, but if you hadn't said anything about it, I would NEVER have known that ONE...WAS...MISSING!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Everybody is trying to save money these days with the economy like it is. I do that myself. For instance, I may delay a car repair or inspection for a couple of weeks. A person can do that if it's not absolutely necessary for the car to operate.
I got to thinking a few days ago about the Airline Industry and how they might do the same thing and then the "Miracle on the Hudson" happened. The pilot did a wonderful job of landing that plane. I think so. Don't you?
Anyway, nobody would know if the plane was overdo for an inspection or repair, except the airline, maybe the pilot, and the crew on a need to know basis. If you convey your concerns in that area, they will tell you to have faith in the skills of the pilot. They tell the pilots to have faith in their own flying ability and the integrity of the plane.
You know, for the most part, that the pilots and crew are honest people and if there is any concern at all, they would find a way to tell you, even if it was in a subtle way. So here are some examples of how they might do just that.
For instance, the stewaredess comes up to you and asks you, "Coffee, Tea, or Flowers."
Another way would be if the pilot comes on the loudspeaker and says, "We are on our final approach and we will be landing shortly. On this flight, it will be a little shorter than usual."
And just one more example, the pilot comes on the loudspeaker and says, "We will be experiencing some rough weather ahead. For your listening pleasure, I will now play a Christian song."
Being a Christian, you are expecting to hear "Blessed Assurance" but instead you hear "Nearer My God To Thee". Now, that would be a telltale, subtle way, wouldn't it?

Saturday, February 14, 2009

We all know how bad the economy is theses days. I remember how bad it was in the early 80's. It was then that I learned how to stretch a dollar. I could stretch a dollar and make it go a long way. Now a days, however, you not only have to stretch a dollar, but you have to stretch it and tie a knot in the end. Then you can hang on to it better until you need to use it.

I can give you one piece of advice. Do not try to use it in a U-Scan with the knot in the end. IT JUST DOES NOT WORK! I decided to do something with the stretched dollar with a knot in the end....and YOU can do it too. I sent it to my representative in Congress with a note attached which read, "Will you help us NOW!"

Friday, February 13, 2009

Welcome to my blog's first post. I like to interject humor wherever possible. I will help you become successful in whatever you do. I like to add value to my readers. Enjoy. Thanks for checking me out.
Harold Gunderman